Recently, I’ve been really busy planning out my gap year. There was one time in a worship service that God literally told me stay quiet so that He could speak to me. He confirmed for me that I was gonna take a gap year and said He would provide the money for my DTS in Kona. But that would only be the second half of my gap year and my urge to stay in Japan, my home, lead me to pursue joining volunteer staff for a local mission; in the context that God said he would provide.

I hate it when I speak for God, and I regret to say that telling all my friends that I would stay in Tokyo the Fall of 2013 was just that. I talked to my mom about next year, and I came up stairs to spend some time reading my Bible. I turned on my iPod, and out of no where, Will Reagan & United Pursuit - Nothing I Hold Onto started playing. I just started to cry because I knew where this was headed. God didn’t speak in audible  voices, or in a quiet whisper. I just curled up on his lap saying “I want to stay, I want to stay here.” I’m looking for confirmation that God wants me to go to America for the fall, but if He’s leading me, I have peace about it.

This is pathetic. Little man called to be a warrior, living as a foreigner. This is pathetic. Engulfed in a sea of pornography, drowning, when the lifeboat floats behind him. This is pathetic. Pathetic. It’s pathetic because I don’t regret it, without a sweat I turn my back on the God who saved me. Who chose to love me despite my nervous habits that so quickly disqualify me. And yet you still pursue me, what are you stupid? Why do you still believe the best in me?

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